Its a very long post, but I've sorted them out the best that I can!
*I interchange between friendship and relationship quite a bit, but it applies for both. Do take note!
Mental abuse is horrifying, and a hardly touched subject imo. Sticking to a toxic relationship might completely take over yourself and develop into a mentally abusive relationship instead.
Introduction note:
I am NOT talking about your boss or acquaintance, rather about the people so preciously close to you that you can't bring yourself to even think that they are toxic. They could be the sweetest person you've ever met, your best friend, your lover, your family member, anything really.
I'm talking about the person who took me grocery shopping, paid for everything, cooked for and cleaned up after me just because I was feeling downright awful about myself one day. I'm talking about the person who made the most beautiful and quality props for me, the person who drove me and my friends to prom, cf, and to school daily. I'm talking about the person who helped me overcome my self hate and sexism.
They could be the biggest blessing you've ever received, a big help in school, work, social life etc. Maybe if you're an introvert, they are the person who helps you talk to store workers and restaurant waiters. Maybe they are the person who helped you out during one of your darkest times, or the person who has made you a better you. Maybe, just maybe, they are someone who you wouldn't want to think about losing.
Warnings from them:
Of course, I am against calling someone toxic downright for absolutely no reason. There are many symptoms I feel, but I wont be covering all of them, just a few that I feel really stand out (this doesn't make any other signs weigh less! Feel free to google more!)
I will put examples and photos to give you a gist of it. Full conversation of the photo's I am using can be read here.
1. The Rule Book
*Whatever your personal ethics are do not count. The same goes to just being a decent person in general.
This is a very plain, obvious set of guidelines that you must follow in order to "properly" talk to this person. In short, their word is law, and you MUST OBEY these rules otherwise they make you feel like a lesser being.
If you tell them about these ridiculous rules, and they don't even deny it, then you know you're in some not-so-good shit.
Example from me:
** the last message is him about to oppose to that rule and say everything else was ok, but later in the year he admitted that he wont be able to tolerate seeing me with any guy at all because "he doesn't trust them"
2. They subtly look down on you
It's not obvious, of course. They try to be a know it all, and will definitely exploit this if you are someone who openly admits it when you don't know something (which is a great thing btw, honesty is a rare gem). If you wonder why they do this I gather that its a way for them to try and gain "respect" or "admiration" from you because wow they are so smart!!!! It's also for their own ego, really.
The know-it-all attitude is pretty common, it doesn't automatically mean that the person is toxic.. it just means they're a drag, because honestly who wants to hang out with someone who is too embarrassed to say "I don't know"?
If you two aren't that close, then you can probably understand that its because they don't know you that well and are maybe trying to impress you (its still wrong though, might be a good idea to let them know). However if you ARE indeed that close, then it shows how little trust they have in your character. Are you a very judgemental person? You would know the answer to that. Compare your faith in them, if you're putting in way too much compared to them, then you'd do well to stop wasting your time.
3. They guilt trip you
This has become one of the things I absolutely cannot tolerate. They aren't guilt tripping you because you're being an asshole who deserves it, but because they want you to do things their way. This happens most often I find, when someone is confessing to you and if you dont share mutual feelings, they resort to this. Never date someone out of sympathy.
Example from me:
i) I never shut up about wanting to learn how to play the violin, we got into an argument about a week before my birthday, and to try and make me shut up he said: "To think I wanted to get you a violin."
??????? that's completely unrelated to this argument????
ii)
4. They exploit your weaknesses
Inhumane right? Not to them, as long as they get what they want, really. Sharing your fears and weaknesses with someone really close to you is normal, so they know what to avoid doing. Or, they could just use it against you because they are like that.
My case:
He knows I get scared when he's angry because it would obviously mean that I know not to push his buttons and give him special treatment to make him feel better. Because of this, he started showing hints of anger for any fucking trivial thing that I refuse to comply with.
Please don't let yourself be controlled like this, your emotions are not something to be toyed with and being mentally threatened like this is extremely draining.
5. Puts their wants over your needs
Yes, part of being a decent human being is putting someone elses needs over your wants, but the reverse holds true as well. Do not feel afraid to prioritize what you need over what they want.
If they do not care for your personal space, comfort levels, or anything else, even after you protest or tell them, then get the fuck out of there. This is not healthy at all, you deserve these things and nobody has the right to take them away from you.
Example from me:
Sleep. During high school I MUST go to bed by 10.30 because of how much I love it, I would get really cranky if I did not have enough sleep. However he makes me stay up until midnight just to hear him talk about my flaws, no matter how many updates of the time I give. And by the time we were done he'd be like "oh now I'm scared of seeing you tomorrow because of how pissy you're gonna be".
A friend is someone who is there for you, to share memories and fun times together, etc etc. Normal, right? A "PERFECT FRIEND" (their definition, anyway) is someone who will spoonfeed you all meals, wipe all your tears and kiss your forehead. They'll lick your feet and roll out a red carpet for you wherever you go. They are overall just non existent.
These people get extremely upset when they find out youre actually you. They complain about traits of yourself that you cannot change or cant help. *Again, I'm not talking about you being a jerk, thats a different story*. What these people want is you in their mould, not you as yourself.
**I have lost the Skype conversation for this so I cannot provide you with the evidence U__U
Do not apologize for being yourself.
7. Your efforts are meaningless
Seriously, as long as you make a single mistake, nothing matters anymore. This relates to the rule book and the perfect friend mould. Its understandable that you would try to change yourself for the sake of being a better person, but they just dont see it. Perhaps your efforts are recognized once, as this would be really encouraging. Even so, the criticism about you wont stop coming.
Whats dangerous about these people is that once they can get you to change for something, they will try to make you change for EVERYTHING. The progress is meaningless, the end result is the only thing that matters.
8. Unable take no for an answer
A good way to question the environment they grew up in, do they get everythign they ask for? Everything has to be their way, and they will not stop persuading or pleading you until you say yes.
Puppy eyes, pouty faces, pretty pleases, if you dont want to agree, keep your answer standing strong. Rejection is very normal and you shouldn't be forced into saying yes to it.
9. Overreactions
*Normal friends might do this too if you touch on a sensitive topic, dont mix it up
They hold very bad grudges for something so trivial. Heck, it doesn't even mean anything to them, they just overreact because they are comparing themselves to your other friends or family. They refuse to listen to any of your reasons too.
Example from me:
His birthday. It was during a holiday and I didn't wish him through messenger, and he held a god damn grudge against me for a whole 6 months. He even told me, I quote, when I told a mutual friend the date of his birthday: "Wow, this bitch actually remembers my birthday?" We don't call each other names on a normal basis by the way. I am very bad at birthdays (I cant even remember my mom's), so I would keep a few on my phone calendar, and he would hear me wish any friends (whose birthday I've saved), and compared himself to them.
10. Does not allow you to spend time with anyone else
Overly attached people are in short, objectifying you. You are not a person who has feelings and other things to do, no, you are something to be there with them and ONLY THEM, 24/7. You can't even spend time with yourself. Making friends with other people is equivalent to replacing them, apparently. To be told such a thing is incredibly degrading and insulting.
Example from me:
During our physics project I was feeling like absolute scum, he would make so many demands, it was overwhelming. One day I decided to work on it alone, there I talked to a guy who I used to really want to be friends with, it was really nice to be able to converse with someone so friendly and open. It took half a year for the news to reach me, but my abuser confronted this boy after that. He kept asking him very personal questions including if he liked me. He even had the gall to tell the boy, a complete stranger to him, "oh I'm just doing a quick evaluation on you", and threatened that the boy would be dead if he told me about this incident. Can you believe this guy?
You don't belong to them, let them know that, please. If they don't care about that opinion of yours, get away.
11. Tries to decide your life choices for you
Maybe not LIFE choices, but they think they know whats best for you. This isn't about health issues (smoking, self harm etc). As much as you can tell someone about you, they will never know you inside out.
Example from me:
i) The same guy from the previous example bought me a hairbrush for Christmas, and during the interrogation this was revelead. You know what my abuser said? "Bad move bro, she feels indebted when people buy her presents and will feel the need to buy something back, so I suggest you don't give it to her." I asked for the fucking hairbrush when that boy asked what I wanted. And you know what? My abuser paid for a dress I bought, and got me a Kashuu Nendroid as well. He didn't let me buy him anything in return either. When I said I wanted to buy him The Little Prince for Christmas he told me not to because he "can get any book for free". As sweet as it was, this completely goes against his words (aka I'm supposed to be fucking indebted to him now).
ii) When I admitted that I was asexual, he denied it and said that on the day I have sex with someone, he would be there to tell me "I told you so". What the honest fuck.
12. Want in on literally every single thing you do
He asks for photos when I do my makeup, asks for progress pictures when I draw. He wants me to skype call and share screen (or more specific, team viewer) with him every fucking day. Do you get the idea of how annoying this becomes?
You have a life of your own to life, so do they. If you don't feel comfortable doing it, don't.
13. Your feelings don't count
Sometimes when you're upset they'll be there, but they don't allow you to have the full spectrum of human emotion. Like when you get angry at them for something they did wrong, they will throw anger back at you, because you are angry. This right here my fellow readers, is objectification.
Example from me:
One night I felt so awful that I broke down, he comforted me and made me feel better. But the next night he broke down and said "Do you know how helpless I felt? Seeing you cry in front of me?" That just took all empathy away from me. Sorry I'm actually capable of feeling sad.
14. Blackmail you with your relationship
I don't need to say much. This is the simplest sign, if they threaten to break it, immediately stop being friends with them. Because if your relationship is something so light and worthless that they can just use it to manipulate your feelings, whats the point? Just don't bother at all.
**First message is: "How do you feel about (me) cutting off ties?"
This is a case of black and white. This is a line they cross that's easy to see. Save yourself.
15. Nothing satisfies them
God, they cant stop expecting things out of you. Maybe things are different if you're lovers or married, because those have a few basic expectations (I think?). But wow, are they a tall fucking order. This often leads to a lot of arguments, either they being angry at shitty you are or you being angry at how demanding they are.
Why be in a relationship where its a whole bunch of screaming and yelling at each other over trivial things? Its tiring and unfair.
16. They pull out all stops to make you feel horrible
This is pretty fucking disgusting as well. It happens during those little (big) fights where you want out, but that would make you a terrible person!!! They might try to fatten up your ego first by telling their flaws, then destroy you with yours.
**Note: I really want to put picture evidence here but Blogspot wont make them line up neatly so please refer to the album instead /____\
Don't fall for that trick, if they want to make you feel like shit, then get them the fuck away from you.
17. "Give me another chance!"
The phrase is overused. You've given them 30592830459273409574 chances and they still want another.
They talk about how much time you've spent together and how that will all go to waste. Your answer here will be "Then lets stop now before more time goes to waste"
If you don't wanna give another chance, don't do it.
18. Excuses to be an asshole
Know this: There is none, ABSOLUTELY nothing, that can justify someone being an asshole.
Sure we must be compassionate when someone is battling with mental illness, but not even that makes it ok. **Don't get me wrong, mental illness is a tough battle, and its not something to take lightly of, its ok to reach out for help.
Example from me: He guilt tripped me into being there for him during his depression. How? He told me that I either help him with it, or I stop being friends completely. So of course I said yes, I wanted him to be happy after all, but with this he screamed at me the next day and gave me another rulebook on "how to treat someone with depression" (which included asking 'how are you' every 5 minutes btw). He wouldn't do any work, went into my room during a project, made me go inside, lie on top of his body so he could hug me, whimper and repeat my name over and over again. Thinking about it still gets my skin crawling. I am a biggie about personal space (he knows this full well), and have never felt so revolted in my life.
19. They find ways to keep you dependent on them
I feel this happens most often if you're someone shy. But hey, just because you're not doesn't mean this cannot apply to you!
Simple as it is, if you have any questions at all, you aren't allowed to ask anyone but them, or you'll get the ol' "Why didn't you ask me?????"
Or maybe when you need help with something, they'll do it for you, but not teach you, so that you always go back to them for the help.
Example from me:
A mutual friend got me a RAM for Christmas, because I was borrowing my abuser's one and wanted to return it soon. When he found out about it, he told me that he didn't need his RAM anymore so I don't have to return it, and called the friend to tell him to keep it. A gift he bought for me. He wouldn't even let me return his own fucking RAM that he was LENDING me.
20. Prioritizes their ego
I can really only explain this through an example:
"I'm tired of embarrassing myself because of you"
I threw a chair out of a short tantrum at the school hallway, the discipline teacher heard it, came out to ask me what was wrong, and I simply brushed it off by saying it was an accident, simple and easy. Back to my abuser telling me the above at a later date, he said that he had to tell a bunch of other people and teachers who saw me, that he had to 'clean up' after me. I didn't even ask for it! I could deal with the effects of my tantrum myself so smoothly.
You're not even asking the person to make themselves look bad? They just feel the need to even though you give them zero pressure or even ask them to do it, then they complain about it later.
Egoistic people are horrible.
Warnings from yourself:
You might be the one showing signs of being unhappy in the relationship, your body and mind loves you (as easily as it catches sickness and infections;;;) and will give small warnings to you, don't take them lightly. Your heart is speaking.
1. Hiding the truth/ openly lying
Talking to them has become a chore, you're not even allowed to not want to talk to them. And because we don't wanna share every single thing we do with someone who we don't even enjoy talking to, hiding stuff from them becomes a thing.
You'll start lying when they ask "What would you sacrifice for me?" or "How do you feel?" because truthfully they'll only accept one answer. In short, talking to them becomes pointless.
2. Wanting to stay away
It's not that you want to spend some time alone, it's that they repel you.
You get a new message every minute, and while its compulsory for you to reply to all of them, you just don't want to, because you're not getting anything positive out of this.
3. Afraid of their reactions
This is a red light.
They get offended from literally everything you say that's true to the heart. Now after you say something without all filtering and sugar coating, you immediately become scared of how they'll react. This links with wanting to stay away from them as well as hiding the truths.
My teacher told me this, and I think it would really help in this case:
"Remember you can't control how they take it, but you can manage your behavior about it."
If you're getting afraid of talking to them, you're in a tight spot, and you HAVE to talk to them about it. If it doesn't work, stop hurting yourself.
4. Feeling worthless
One of the most draining things as well.
Hearing their complaints about you makes you feel like you make their life horrible. This undoubtedly leads to you feeling like you make everyone's life horrible too. Because what good are you? You're better off unborn.
At this point you can't even feel like you're better off dead, because that would be you continually making them suffocate. So you end up regretting that your parents ever gave birth to you. You're either unable to see what good you've done in life or feel the weight of it, even with people telling you.
5. The signs in your head
Really, they are impossible to hide, they'll come out through your mouth, your hands, anything.
I've written a poem about wanting to disappear (and my abuser even wrote a matching one telling about how much he'll miss me if I go, ugh), and a few art pieces about my feelings.
I have two more unfinished ones so I won't upload them, but one was about drowning in toxic waste, and the other was about a girl in a rain of lies.
6. Unable to see the good in the friendship
One of the ultimate signs.
No matter how many "nice things" there are, nothing matters anymore. Everyday is clouded in agony or hate.
It might be worthy to say that after the conversation in the album, he was crying and apologizing the next day, begging me to forgive him and never leave him. Let me say this again, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. Do not let your heart soften, listen closely to it. Just like an actual relationship, do not be friends with someone out of sympathy.
I forgave him, the problem was never solved.
Stop.
7. You don't wanna fix it anymore
You've tried way too many times, you've gone way past the 20s and 30s. At this point, you believe that it is impossible for things to change anymore. Too much patience has been poured into this, only to receive suffering in return.
Even after "fixing" things, they simply revert back to the way they original were, which is, problematic.
It's time to let go.
A little comfort:
Unfortunately, this is the most I can provide you with. However I am very sincere about this, and wish there was someone to tell me this at that time. I really hope you remember this so dearly.
1. BE AWARE OF YOUR BASIC RIGHTS
I cannot stress how important this is. You are a human, and you deserve to feel things! Know that it's ok to stand up for yourself. You do not deserve this suffocation.
You have a right to personal space, emotional freedom, choosing who you want to hang out with, and controlling your own damn life.
Please, never, not even for a second, forget about this.
2. Reflect on your actions
We all know we have room for improvement.
Think well:
Do they want you to change for the sake of being a better person, or is it for their own preference?
3. Practice self love
Tell yourself you're worth more! Because its true! It doesn't matter if you feel you are a failure, or if you have done some extremely horrible things too.
"Be kind to yourself, you are the only person who will be there when no one else is."
4. Don't be afraid
Easier said than done, this takes a lot of courage. But I want you to know, that being alone is better than being with toxic company. There is nothing wrong with not having a best or super close friend either
Its ok to make new friends by the way. Of course, this can be extremely hard for some people, I know this first hand. So it might be a good idea to keep this at the back of your mind when trying: Other people are human too, so if you would welcome someone who wants your company; why wouldn't they?
If you're strong enough to survive this awful experience (which you are!!! You have been all this while!!!), then you are strong enough to keep moving forward, whether you are alone or trying to find a new friend. Keep on fighting!
5. Nothing justifies their actions
Do not let your heart waver.
I'm not talking about if they sincerely repent after you try to get away (watch out for lies and false statements). I'm talking about all the great things they've done before they revealed what kind of monster they are, using all this to talk about how ungrateful you are. Because if they do that, you know for sure, you NEED out.
Handling what comes next:
If you're out of the relationship, then I give you a heartfelt congratulations! The road after this is also bumpy, it's very hard to deal with. I'm still trying to recover myself, and I understand that everyone deals with things differently, but here are some tips that I hope will help.
1. Look for light in the dark
This is our first instinct when the lights suddenly go out after all.... right?
You might get flashbacks, and memories constructed with that person will be haunting, but it might be associated with very normal things you see on a daily basis (for my its my own bed...). This makes it feel as if your world has been stained black.
When you see it like this, try your absolute best to relate that thing with a happy moment instead, memories you've shared with someone else, even if it's yourself!
2. Finding the right person to talk to
Nobody believed me because they didn't know the full story, and tried to have a neutral opinion, so I was alone during that time.
If I were to talk to a school friend, every word I mutter would link back to his ears. Anyone outside of school didn't know him, so the story that came from only me would be too one-sided.
Even my mother told me that maybe I was in the wrong, she wouldn't hear me out. My sister was in Germany, busy and struggling very hard by herself already, while my relationship with my other sister was very thorny at that time, so I didn't talk to her about it either.
It's not easy, especially after being forced to trust your abuser, and being unable to spend time with anyone else from the start. It might take a whole year or two, but make sure to let it out when you finally have the chance.
3. Letting go of the hurt
This is very hard. I'm still trying my best to do this....
I was told this:
"As long as your mood goes into the negatives thinking about them, they still control your life"
and its a very wise sentiment, although its not really working for me... Because in my head I just want him to suffer when he sees me, I want him to feel crushed at how I'm free from his clutches. I cannot bring myself to forgive him, its just so hard...
They will leave invisible marks on you, as you find yourself avoiding people who have similar aspects. Remember, baby steps are still one step forward. Together let us keep walking on the road to recovery.
4. Be happy!
This is also fucking hard.
But let me tell you that this experience is precious. You know what you're worth now-- who is worth your time and who is not. You can even prevent or help out your loved ones if they're going through something similar.
Also, its over! you've been so strong, and I'm so proud of and happy for you. Who knows, along this journey, you might have even changed for the better.
So, are you in a mentally abusive relationship after all? Or rather, are you the abuser?
Personally I feel I have been an abuser when I was in standard 4 LMAO but still, I got my ass handed to me by the girl I was being a jerk to (so glad she did it) and now know what not to do.
If you are an abuser I have but one piece of advice for you:
Learn to accept the fact that other people have feelings too.
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